While swiping through the photos on my dating app, there are certain image characteristics I look out for that will almost certainly get the potential suitor binned. For example, if all their photos are group shots, you can never be entirely sure which person they are. If the person has a child or baby in the photo, I will usually refer to their written bio to see if they have kids. If they look significantly different in their selection of profile photos (e.g. haircut, weight, complexation), in my experience it tends to be because they have used shots from years ago displaying how they would like to be perceived, rather than what they actually look like now.
So, when I came across the profile of a Hedge Fund manager, I was happy that there was none of the usual tell-tale attributes that I look to avoid in his pics.
After briefly chatted via the app, we met up for a drink within a few days. Meeting outside a tube station in January, we were both adoring our winter gear. I was in down jacket and scarf and he was sporting a rather fetching sheepskin coat and a hat. I was glad to discover that Hedge Fund was quite tall and potentially more attractive than his profile suggested.
We chatted as we walked to a bar he’d selected and, as we strolled in, I indicated that he should secure a table while I purchased a round of drinks. After a few minutes, I returned from the bar to find Hedge Fund sitting at table, having removed his outerwear.
My eyes panned upwards and saw that he was bald on top, with hair remaining at the sides of his head – a style not dissimilar to Homer Simpson. Surely if you only have so little hair left, you should buzz it off with a razor, right? However, the most prominent thing I noticed was a very large raised mole that seemed to move in synchronicity with his eyebrows. Think Enrique Iglesias meets the film ‘How To Get Ahead In Advertising’.
My internal monologue was very much reminiscent of Austin Powers. “Mole… Mole… Moley, moley, moley, moley.” Luckily, as I am a woman in my early thirties, I was able to contain the insensitive thoughts and tried to continue the date without acknowledgement of the third party at our table – the Mole!
We were having a nice evening, but my eyes couldn’t resist the occasional sneaky peak at the mole-strosity. I suggested we grabbed some food to provide me with something alternative to look at, rather than observing the mole adding gesticulation as Hedge Fund spoke. As chance would have it, the restaurant sat us at a table where we were seated beside one aother. Though I no longer had the mole in my eye line, I could now see it in profile and the mole seemed to have had features all of it’s own – as if Hedge Fund had a second smaller face sprouting from his forehead. We wound the date up shortly after we finished the meal.
Now I am happy to concede that I am (perhaps) more superficial than I had previously thought. However, I went back and reviewed Hedge Fund’s profile and noticed that he is wearing a hat in all his photos. In my view, he has mis-sold himself and I don’t think I would have been so fascinated by the mole had it been pre-disclosed. Though I guess there is no way of proving this and I may have sacked him straight off had it been visible in his pictures.
In any case, I now have an additional criteria when reviewing dating app profiles – Guy must not be wearing a hat in all of their pics.